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Gaslighting or Lying? How to Tell the Difference for Friends, Family, and Allies

Jan 15

5 min read

Have you ever watched someone you care about slowly lose confidence in their own perceptions? Witnessed them second-guess their memories, doubt their judgement, or apologize for things that weren’t their fault? You might be seeing the effects of a particularly insidious form of emotional abuse: gaslighting.


By learning to identify the signs of gaslighting, you can play a crucial role in helping someone regain their sense of self and escape from an abusive situation.


Understanding Gaslighting: More Than Just Lies


Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that makes someone question their own sanity, memories, and perception of reality. It’s not just lying – it’s a calculated attempt to undermine someone’s entire sense of self.


Here’s what sets gaslighting apart:

  • Intent: Gaslighting aims to destabilize and control, while lying often seeks to avoid consequences.

  • Persistence: Gaslighting is a sustained campaign, not isolated incidents.

  • Scope: It targets a person’s core sense of reality, not just specific facts.

  • Impact: Victims often end up doubting their own judgment and sanity.


Signs Your Loved One Might Be Experiencing Gaslighting


Watch for these red flags:

  1. They constantly apologize, even for things that aren’t their fault.

  2. They seem unsure of their own memories or perceptions of events.

  3. Their confidence has noticeably declined.

  4. They often say “Maybe I’m crazy, but…” or similar phrases.

  5. They’re always defending their partner’s behavior to others.

  6. They’ve become isolated from friends and family.

  7. They express feeling confused or “crazy” frequently.


Common Gaslighting Tactics You Might Witness

  1. Denying events: “That never happened. You’re making things up.”

  2. Trivializing feelings: “You’re too sensitive. It’s not a big deal.”

  3. Shifting blame: “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have had to do Y.”

  4. Rewriting history: “I never said that. You must have misunderstood.”

  5. Using compassion as a weapon: “I’m only doing this because I love you.”

  6. Questioning sanity: “You’re imagining things. Maybe you need help.”


The Hidden Wounds: Understanding the Impact


Gaslighting leaves deep, invisible scars. As an ally, understanding these impacts can help you offer more compassionate, informed support:


Mind and Emotions

  • Chronic self-doubt and insecurity

  • Anxiety and depression

  • Difficulty making decisions

  • Constant apologizing and people-pleasing behavior


Relationships and Life

  • Isolation from support networks

  • Increased dependence on the abuser

  • Challenges in work or education due to shaken confidence

  • Difficulty trusting their own judgment in all areas of life


Remember, these effects aren’t weakness—they’re the result of prolonged psychological manipulation. Your understanding and patience are crucial to your loved one’s healing journey.


How You Can Help: Your Path as an Ally


Recognizing the signs is crucial. But what comes next? Here’s how you can be the ally your loved one needs:


Be Their Reality Anchor


Your loved one’s sense of reality has been shaken. You can help by:

  • Validating their experiences: “What you’re feeling is real.”

  • Gently pointing out patterns: “I’ve noticed this happens a lot.”

  • Affirming their perceptions: “I remember that happening too. You’re not imagining things.”


Create a Safe Space for Truth

  • Listen without judgment

  • Avoid pushing them to take immediate action

  • Use phrases like “I believe you” and “It’s not your fault”


Offer Practical Support

  • Help them document incidents (dates, times, exact words used)

  • Offer to be present during important conversations as a witness

  • Be a safe person they can reality-check with


Encourage Professional Help

  • Suggest speaking with a trauma-informed therapist

  • Offer to help research local support groups

  • Remind them that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness


Be Patient and Consistent

  • Understand that recognizing abuse is a process

  • Don’t push them to leave before they’re ready

  • Stay connected, even if they reconcile with their abuser


Help Them Reconnect

  • Encourage them to rebuild relationships with friends and family

  • Support them in rediscovering hobbies and interests

  • Remind them of their strengths and capabilities


Words That Heal: Conversation Starters for Allies


Starting a conversation about gaslighting is delicate. Here are some phrases that open doors without judgment:

  • “I’ve noticed you seem unsure of yourself lately. Is everything okay?”

  • “It’s okay to trust your own memories and feelings.”

  • “You don’t have to apologize for how you feel.”

  • “I remember that happening too. You’re not imagining things.”

  • “Your feelings are valid, no matter what anyone else says.”

  • “I’m here to listen, without judgment, whenever you need to talk.”


The Truth About Healing and Hope


The scars of gaslighting run deep. They whisper lies about who your loved one is, making them doubt their very essence. They make healing feel impossible.


But here’s what you need to know:

  • Your support matters. Being a steady, validating presence can be life-changing.

  • Healing is possible. It takes time, but with help, your loved one can reclaim their sense of self.

  • You’re not alone in this. There are resources and support networks for both survivors and their allies.


Whether you’re certain of the abuse or just starting to suspect something’s wrong, your role is vital. You might be the lifeline your loved one needs to break free from the fog of gaslighting.


Because they deserve peace. They deserve to trust themselves again. They deserve love that doesn’t twist their reality.


Your support matters. Your voice matters. And whenever your loved one is ready to take that first step towards healing – be there. Stand with them. Believe them.


Together, we can break the silence around gaslighting and emotional abuse. Together, we can help survivors reclaim their power, their joy, and their sense of reality.


Because it’s still abuse. And your loved one deserves to be free from it.


FAQs for Allies


Q1: How can I approach my loved one if I suspect they’re being gaslighted?

Start with gentle, open-ended questions about how they’re feeling in their relationship. Express your concerns without judgment. For example, “I’ve noticed you seem unsure of yourself lately. Is everything okay?” Create a safe space for them to open up, and be prepared to listen without pushing for immediate action.


Q2: What if my loved one denies there’s a problem or defends their abuser?

This is common in gaslighting situations. Don’t argue or push too hard. Instead, express your ongoing support and concern. Say something like, “I hear you. I just want you to know that I’m here for you, no matter what, and I believe in you.” Keep the door open for future conversations.


Q3: How can I support my loved one without endangering them or myself?

Prioritize safety. Don’t confront the abuser directly. Offer support in private, and help your loved one create a safety plan if needed. Be discreet about any steps they’re taking to get help. If you’re ever concerned about immediate danger, contact professional help or emergency services.


Q4: What resources can I provide to my loved one?

Offer information on local domestic violence hotlines, counseling services, and support groups specializing in emotional abuse and gaslighting. Help them find online resources about gaslighting and its effects. If they’re ready, assist in locating legal aid or victim advocacy services. Remember, providing options is helpful, but let them make their own choices about what steps to take.


Q5: How can I take care of myself while supporting someone experiencing gaslighting?

Supporting someone through this can be emotionally draining. Set healthy boundaries to protect your own mental health. Seek support for yourself through counseling or support groups for friends and family of abuse survivors. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup – taking care of yourself enables you to be a better support for your loved one.


Remember, your compassion, patience, and unwavering support can be the beacon of hope that guides your loved one towards a life free from gaslighting and abuse. You’re not just a bystander – you’re a crucial part of their journey to healing and reclaiming their reality.

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Because Emotional Abuse is Real, and You Deserve to Heal.

You deserve love that feels safe, not suffocating. You deserve peace, not pain. And you deserve to be free—not just from abuse, but from the lingering shadows it tries to leave behind.

No matter where you are in your journey, remember this: you are stronger than you know, braver than you feel, and worthy of the life you dream of.

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